When Love Turns to Fear: A Couples Therapist’s Guide to Managing Domestic Violence Disclosure
As a psychotherapist, sitting with a couple in therapy can be a deeply moving experience, but when one partner discloses domestic violence, everything shifts. The room changes. Your role changes. And you need to respond appropriately .
I decided to write this blog post because one of the most common questions I get from therapists who decide to train to work with couples with me is “what happens if one partner discloses there is domestic violence in the relationship?”.
As a couples therapy supervisor I also have supervisees ask the same question. It really makes sense that therapists would be anxious about encountering domestic violence whilst working with couples, so if the issue does arise, then here’s a plan of what to do.
The Critical Moment of Disclosure
When domestic violence comes to light during a session, it’s a game-changer that requires an immediate shift in how you work. The moment calls for a careful response and you need to put safety first.
Safety as the Foundation
Safety becomes your non-negotiable priority and shapes every clinical decision that follows. When safety concerns pop up, your therapeutic goals need to adapt. Your usual couples therapy approach – which assumes partners are on relatively equal footing – just doesn’t work anymore and could actually cause harm.
Experienced therapists know that when domestic violence enters the picture, safety trumps relationship repair every time. That’s why separating partners for individual sessions might be necessary and why regular couples work may need to take a back seat.
Individual Assessment and Support
One-on-one sessions create the safe space needed for proper assessment and support. These separate conversations allow:
- Room for honest disclosure without fear of payback
- Better assessment of what’s really going on
- Stronger connection between you and each client
- Creation of personalized safety plans
- Less power imbalance than in joint sessions
The DASH assessment becomes your go-to tool during these individual sessions, giving structure to your risk evaluation when you need it most.
Use the flow chart below for your step by step guide and click on any of the stages for more information and useful links to websites that could help.
In this phase, your primary goal is to respond appropriately to the disclosure in the moment. Focus on creating safety in the therapy room, shifting the therapeutic frame, and preparing for proper assessment.
Useful Resources:
• Acknowledge the disclosure with empathy: ‘Thank you for sharing this with me.’
• Avoid reactions that might increase shame or fear
• Use neutral language and maintain an even tone of voice
• Affirm the courage it took to share this information
• Create a safe emotional space for both partners
• Remember that your response sets the tone for what follows
Useful Resources:
• Clearly state: ‘I need to shift our focus to ensuring everyone’s safety’
• Explain the need to pause relationship work temporarily
• Normalize this shift as part of your professional responsibility
• Reassure both partners that you’re not taking sides
• Emphasize that safety concerns must take priority
• Be clear but non-alarmist in your communication
Useful Resources:
• Suggest speaking with each partner individually: ‘I’d like to meet with each of you separately’
• If both are present, consider who should leave first for safety
• Schedule follow-up individual appointments if immediate separation isn’t possible
• Frame this as standard protocol, not an accusation
• Be mindful of potential risk when suggesting separation
• Consider having a colleague available if needed
Useful Resources:
The assessment phase involves gathering critical information to understand the nature, pattern, and severity of the domestic violence. This phase requires meeting with both partners separately and conducting structured risk assessment.
• Consult with your supervisor if you are unsure of the risk level.
Useful Resources:
• Use the DASH assessment tool systematically
• Ask about frequency, severity, and escalation of violence
• Note specific high-risk indicators (strangulation, weapons, threats to kill)
• Assess for coercive control patterns
• Explore fear level: ‘How afraid are you on a scale of 1-10?’
• Document specific incidents, not just general concerns
• Ask about impact on children if relevant
• Consult with your supervisor if you are unsure of the risk level
Useful Resources:
Based on your assessment findings, you’ll need to determine the appropriate therapeutic pathway. The level of risk identified will guide your clinical decisions about whether and how to proceed with therapy.
Useful Resources:
• Prioritize individual safety above relationship concerns
• Clearly communicate that couples therapy is contraindicated
• Explain: ‘At this time, couples work could potentially increase risk’
• Refer to specialized domestic violence services for both partners
• Document your decision and rationale carefully
• Offer individual therapy focused on safety and trauma (for vulnerable partner)
• Refer to perpetrator program (for partner who used harmful behaviors)
• Be prepared for potential pushback or disappointment
Useful Resources:
• Explain the need for separate individual work at this time
• Set clear conditions for potentially resuming couples work in future
• Focus on safety planning in sessions with vulnerable partner
• Address accountability in sessions with partner who used harmful behaviors
• Coordinate with other services involved
• Reassess risk regularly
• Set clear boundaries around confidentiality between individual sessions
• Document ongoing risk assessment and clinical decisions
Useful Resources:
• Begin with several individual sessions for both partners
• Set clear safety parameters for potential joint sessions
• Create a structured accountability framework
• Establish protocol for pausing joint work if concerns arise
• Maintain ongoing individual check-ins about safety
• Use ‘time-out’ procedures for escalation
• Continue regular risk assessment
• Be prepared to shift approach if risk level changes
Useful Resources:
The final phase involves implementing your plan, communicating clearly with both partners, making appropriate referrals, and providing ongoing support while maintaining your own professional wellbeing.
Useful Resources:
Trust Your Gut
Your professional instincts matter in these situations. Research backs this up – therapists often sense concerning dynamics before they’re openly discussed. When something about how partners interact feels off, pay attention to that feeling.
This attunement to subtle cues helps spot concerning patterns that might otherwise stay hidden. Trusting your professional judgment isn’t just okay – it’s essential when working with potential domestic violence.
If you’re in any doubt about what to do, especially if domestic violence has been brought up by one of the partners, talk to your supervisor.
Domestic violence is not as common as you might think, and couples where it is taking place are probably not going to go to therapy. Over the years I have received phone calls from supervisees where the issue has arisen and we’ve dealt with it together. Remember, this is what your supervisor is for!
Keep Good Records
Detailed notes become extra important when working with domestic violence disclosures. Your documentation should clearly capture:
- What was disclosed and when
- Risk assessments you conducted
- Safety planning you discussed
- Referrals you provided
- Why you made the clinical decisions you did
Good documentation serves multiple purposes – it supports ongoing care, provides legal protection, and ensures accountability in these high-stakes situations.
Connect With Specialists
Linking clients with domestic violence specialists is simply best practice if you believe the situation is ongoing. These organizations offer expertise that goes beyond what most therapists can provide in regular sessions.
Start building relationships with these organizations before you need them. Many will offer advice on complex cases even before a formal referral.
Supporting Both Partners Ethically
While keeping the vulnerable partner safe remains your top priority, good practice means thinking about both people involved. The person who’s used harmful behaviors also needs appropriate professional help – though this looks very different from regular therapy.
Research shows that specialized programs designed specifically for people who use violence work better than general therapy. These programs focus on accountability, changing behaviors, and developing healthier relationship skills.
When working with someone who’s used harmful behaviors, keep clear boundaries while avoiding shame or blame. Your goal is to connect them with specialized services that address specific behaviors. Remember that many who use harmful behaviors have experienced trauma themselves, though this never makes violence okay. By helping them find appropriate help while maintaining professional boundaries, you create opportunities for real change while keeping everyone safe.
Keep Your Boundaries Clear
Maintaining clear professional boundaries becomes even more important when working with domestic violence. The intensity of these situations can trigger rescue fantasies in even the most experienced therapists.
Remember that your role has limits – you can’t single-handedly fix every aspect of this complex situation. Effective therapists recognize the boundaries of their role while working with other professionals to create a solid support system.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Working with domestic violence takes a toll emotionally. Regular supervision, talking with colleagues, and intentional self-care aren’t optional extras – they’re professional necessities.
When you maintain your own wellbeing, you can provide more consistent, effective support to clients navigating these challenging situations.
A Professional Responsibility
Responding effectively to domestic violence disclosures is one of our most important professional responsibilities. With proper training, clear boundaries, and collaborative approaches, you can make a real difference in these situations.
The ability to pivot from standard couples work to appropriate domestic violence intervention shows clinical flexibility and ethical practice. While challenging, this work offers the chance to support clients during crucial moments of transition and safety planning.
This is some of the most meaningful work we do as therapists – creating space for truth, prioritizing safety, and connecting clients with resources they need when they’re most vulnerable.
This blog offers an essential and compassionate approach to managing domestic violence disclosures in therapy. It provides crucial guidance for supporting individuals in difficult situations while fostering safety and understanding.
I’m really pleased that you like the blog post, John.